Holding My Tongue

I have been sick. I have had a bad cold and I have felt completely and totally drained of all energy for the past few days. I have come home, laid down on the couch every evening and slept until I had to wake up to eat, and do whatever else I needed to do to survive. I have not felt like moving my limbs to get up off the couch.

And so this is my first blog post this week. I am sorry. I feel like I have some pretty bad writer's block because I didn't write at all this week. Now I want to write but I can't seem to get started. I haven't got any topics to write about. I suppose it is because this cold and my job are on the forefront of my mind every day. I can't write about my job.

I spend most of my days and many of my evenings thinking about my job but I can't write about it. It is utterly frustrating. There is a lot I would like to say but not a lot that I can say.

It is a form of holding my tongue. And when you are a writer who works things out by writing them down that can be hard to do.

Maybe I should write it down somewhere less public, just for me? Maybe I should keep a paper and pencil journal. Maybe I should say nothing at all.

How To Make Friends When You Are No Longer in School

When I was in high school I had a lot of friends and I found it easy to meet new people. When I was in college I spent most of my time with my then boyfriend and so I didn't make a lot of new friends, but I did manage to make a few. Now that I am an adult with a full time job I find it much more difficult to make friends. So I did some research. According to the internet here are the best ways to make friends when you are an adult not attending school.

1) Meet people at work.

This one seems easy! Especially if you are like me and you spend 50-80 hours every week working. The difficulty here is that you may find that the people you work with vary greatly in age and may not have the time to spend with you nor similar interests.

2) Meet people through a hobby (Examples from the internet include conventions, painting classes, hiking clubs, etc)

This one makes sense too. Go do something you like and meet people there! Of course, my hobbies include reading, writing, and working as a teacher(yes I did just list my job as a hobby, look above it takes up enough of my "free time" it should also count as a hobby, right?). These aren't exactly things that are easy to make friends doing.

3) Try the app Meet Up.

This is a very cool concept. You type in your interests and the app tells you about groups that meet up on a regular basis to do activities that you might enjoy. This is great if you live in a city. If you live in a small rural town in Maine (Ahem, this writer) you might find that there are no meetups in your area.

4) Volunteer.

This one also makes sense. You volunteer at the local food shelter and make friends with people who care about the same things that you do. Obviously this works best if you have free time.

5) Take a class.

This is intriguing to me because I like to learn new things. I could see myself taking a photography class or something. However, it costs money. And requires a lot of time and energy. 

6) The internet.

Loads of people meet every day on the internet. I don't know how they do it. But they do. I wish there was an app for people who just wanted to find friends. I tried to download a few. I met a lot of men who wanted to have sex with me. So... apparently we have created hookup apps and dating apps but no friendship apps yet(unless you count meetup, see above).

7) Go to things that you are invited to.

This one is super easy. Wait until someone invites you to something and go have a good time. Of course, you have to get invited first. ... Do you guys get invites to things?

Teacher Exhaustion

When I come home at night all I want to do is make dinner as quickly as I can so I can eat and then sit on the couch until bed. If I could skip the part where I sit on the couch and just immediately crawl into bed after dinner every night, I would, but I can't. 

I have a husband who needs me to be present. I have friends who live out of state who I text every night. I have this dream of being a paid writer which I am trying to indulge. And so... I make myself sit on the couch with Garrett and stay awake as long as I can. More often than not I fall asleep at least once some time around 7 or 8. 

At 10 pm I drag myself to bed and fall asleep immediately. 

Every one tells me I should work out because I will have more energy if I do. I wonder at their ability to stay standing after they come home.

People say that I should eat better. Some days eating at all seems like a chore. Some nights I ask Garrett if I can skip dinner and go to bed. He is the reason I eat at all.

In the morning I struggle to get out of bed. At least two alarms go off before I open my eyes. And then I lay in bed for at least 15 minutes willing my limbs to move. I often skip breakfast so that I can get a little more sleep. Luckily, I take my vitamin D in the morning and it usually kicks in it right as students are arriving. 

I sleep well. I always get at least 7-8 hours of sleep which should be plenty. I don't wake up repeatedly at night. 

At least one night every week I almost fall asleep standing up, cooking dinner. This is usually followed by an extreme bout of crankiness where I want to punch (I don't, but I want to) every one and every thing that stands in the way of me and my bed. This week this level of exhaustion arrived on Tuesday. 

One time I fell asleep in the car after pulling into the driveway.

I have been thinking about this exhaustion a lot lately. Is this what other teacher experience on a day-to-day basis? Is this what other professionals experience? If it isn't what others feel, then why do I feel like this? And if it is how all other adults feel, how do you overcome the exhaustion so you can work out, take night classes, have second jobs, raise a family or etc?

Things That Drive Me Crazy

1) Working all day while my husband is at home and coming home to dirty dishes in the sink, stains from cooking on the stove, and the kitchen table covered in trash.
2) Being hungry and yet knowing there is no point in starting supper because the dish you need is in the sink, dirty.
3) Waking up in the dark every day and not arriving home until after the sun has already started to set.
4) Friday afternoon meetings.
5) Doing paperwork and then not needing the paperwork after all.
6) Cat food all over the floor.
7) Water all over the floor.
8) Cat litter all over the floor.
9) Empty soda cans every where.
10) Being so tired that I might just fall over standing up but not going to bed because you need to have supper and take a shower first.
11) Knowing that writing this list is only making me more tired and more grumpy.

The Power of Words

I have been thinking today about the power of words.

When I was a kid one word from my mother could break my heart or send me soaring like a bird through the sky.

When I was older I struggled to find the words that would make me seem more normal and less like an outcast with the other kids.

When I was very little I loved when my grandmother read to me. I knew that if I could unlock the secrets behind each strange symbol on the page then I could sen myself on a thousand journeys.

And once I did, once reading finally clicked for me, no one could stop me.

I remember browsing amongst the stacks with my grandmother on Sundays. We would whisper in hushed voices about which books I would borrow. I could never pick just one and would often return home laden down with 5, 6, or 7 different books. I would finish them in the week and return them the next Sunday. I could never get enough of the words.

And when I found poetry I knew that I had found the most profound, truthful, and beautiful words ever written in the English language.

No one can catch the fluttering of your heart when you first fall in love, or the sound of the waves hitting the ocean shore quite like a poet can.

I miss poetry.

It was a huge part of my being in high school and later in the beginning years of college. But as time has gone on I have lost poetry.

I have lost all of my writer self.

I can only hope that somewhere in these words that I jot down every day that I can find it again. I hope that somehow if I write enough words, I will resurrect a part of myself that has been buried under graded papers, late nights, and an exhaustion so deep that I feel it in my bones.

I hope that I have not lost the poetry and the stories within me forever.

For Garrett, My Love

My Love,

This morning while you were asleep,

I lay there watching you.

You were so peaceful,

I didn’t want to disturb you,

but I couldn’t wait

for your ocean blue eyes

to open

and look at me,

and crinkle at the corners

as you smiled at me.

And so,

I shook you,

gently at first

but then harder and faster

as you grumbled at me

that it was too early to be awake.

But then,

your eyes opened,

and I was smiling at you,

excited to spend the day with you.

You couldn’t resist,

and slowly,

your ocean blue eyes crinkled in the corners

your mouth opened wide in a silly grin,

And I knew,

that you loved me, too.

Why I Love My Cats

I have two cats, Rory and Chloe.

This is Chloe.

I had Chloe first. She was a present to me on my 21st birthday from my ex. My ex and I were living together in an apartment in Farmington during the school year. During the summer he lived with his parents in Augusta Monday-Friday because he had a job at the hospital there. So Chloe was my company. She and I loved each other immediately. We found her at the humane society. The staff there said that she was very shy and that when I met her she would most likely hide. She sat next to me on the windowsill the entire time I was there. I took her home with me that day. Six months later my ex broke up with me. Chloe slept by me all night and every night after. When I moved into an apartment by myself she was my constant companion. She is very quiet and very sweet. She only meows when you pick her up. She has never once scratched me. When she bites it is only a love nibble. She loves having her butt scratched.

This is Rory.

Next came Rory. I was working very long hours at work and my husband, Garrett worked full time as a CNA. We worried that Chloe was lonely during the day. When we came home she would rush to the door to greet us and follow us around seeking attention for hours. This was not like her. While not a standoffish cat she was always before very independent. So we decided to adopt another cat. Our friends informed us that they had just adopted a kitten from a woman whose cat had a litter. The woman said that if the last kitten wasn't adopted she was going to put him outside. It was winter and the weather had consistently been -20. So we adopted Rory. Rory is the cuddliest cat I have ever owned. In the mornings when the alarm goes off he runs in to snuggle on my chest and rub his head on my face. In the evening when Garrett and I come home from work he follows us around meowing until we pet his head. After dinner he curls up in my arms to sleep while I watch tv. On my days off, when I am writing, he jumps on the computer and sits there until I put him in my lap. He is ALWAYS purring and it is LOUD.

Between the two of them there is never a dull moment in my apartment. One of them is always doing something cute, funny, or annoying. There is a constant game of chase going on as Rory enjoys chasing Chloe all over the apartment.

Without Chloe I don't think that I would be the person I am today. And without Rory all of our lives would be boring. I love them both so very much.

My New Planner and Books

So I had some gift cards to Amazon from Christmas and I used them to invest in my writing. One of the first things I bought was a planner. I realized that I needed a place to write down every day what I had to do so that I could then plan when I would have time to write. Here is the planner I bought:

Now I wasn't thrilled about the cover at first. It was a little too cliché for me but I decided to order it because it had both the monthly view and the weekly view. Plus I liked that each day is broken down by times from 6am to 9pm. That was about then my day started and ended every day. Here is what the weekly view looks like when you open it up:

I have to say that I love it! There is so much in here that is useful. First, there is a section at the beginning for you to list out your goals for the year. Then there is a page for each goal to work out what steps you will take to achieve each goal and what the deadline will be for each step. I spent two hours yesterday planning out my goals, my objectives, my deadlines, and my week. Afterwards I felt ready to conquer the world. I finally feel like I have a plan or at least a place to make a plan.

I still have a lot of work to go and I know that but I no longer feel like I am floundering around in the deep end without a life jacket (excuse the cliché). I also bought a few books because of course any time I want to really learn something (how to ace the PraxisII, how to plan a wedding, how to start a freelance writing career) I buy books on it. So far this strategy has not failed.

The books I will be exploring:

How to Blog a Book by Nina Amir

The Essential Guide to Freelance Writing by Zachary Petit

Starting Your Career as a Freelance Writer by Moira Allen

The Poet's Market 2016

The Novel & Short Story Writer's Market 2016

The Writer's Market 2016

The first three books I found on Amazon and in Books-A-Million through google searches and reading reviews. The Writer's Market was suggested by Starting Your Career as a Freelance Writer and I figured I might as well buy the other two. especially since I tend to write mostly poetry and short stories. If my career goes well I may as purchase The Literary Agent Market. But right now I don't believe I have written enough content to need an agent. 

I am very excited!

Back to Work

When I started this blog I was on Christmas vacation. Tomorrow I will go back to work. I am hoping to continue my writing even after I return to work. I need to make a commitment to it just like I have made a commitment to so many other things in my life. In order to do that I will need to manage my time more wisely both while at work and the time I have after work. I always have time to myself after work is over and before Garrett gets home. That is prime time to work on things.

So here is how I am hoping my Monday will look:
7:20-7:50 Homeroom (On the clock at work)
7:50-8:50 Class 1 (Work)
8:50-9:50 Class 2 (Work)
9:50-10:30 Planning time (Grade papers)
10:30-11:10 Planning time (Grade papers)
11:10-11:45 Class 3 (Work)
11:45-12:15 Lunch
12:15-12:45 Activity Period
12:45-1:45 Class 4 (Work)
1:45-2:10 Bus duty (Work)
2:10-3:10 Grade Papers
3:15-4:00 Write for myself (This includes blogging, a story, a poem, Textbroker or whatever else I am working on)

Tuesday I won't have as much time during the day to work on grading papers but I think I can still devote an hour to grading after school and devote 45 minutes or more to writing. In the past I have found staying after school every day for an hour to grade was very productive and it kept me from getting behind and stressed. I am behind on grading now as it is but I think that if I make some smart choices on what to grade and if I work efficiently in my hour after school I can get caught up quickly.

I know that I can do this.