Starting Over

 September of 2015 all the way through February of 2016 has been very difficult for me.

I am a teacher and I started at a new school in September. So far this school year has been the most challenging ever. Most people say that their first year as a teacher is the most challenging. This year is even more difficult than that.

I have come home and cried more often than not. I leave work every day more exhausted than the last.

I have met many wonderful people and had many wonderful experiences in the past 6 months but overall I find that I am worn out, run down, exhausted, frustrated, fed up, heartsick, and overall, plain old unhappy.

I have found that during the school week I have entered a lethargic state. I wake up, get ready or work, work, come home, sleep, eat, watch tv, sleep, and then repeat it all the next day. On the weekends I clean the apartment and cry. I call my mom a few times a week and cry. I talk to Garrett about my feelings and I cry.

Last night I decided that I was done. Enough is enough. Yes, this year has been tough. And yes, my job has gotten increasingly difficult as the school year has gone on. But guess what? I have a lot of other wonderful things going for me. I have an amazing husband who has listened to me whine, bitch, complain, and cry for months now. I have a wonderful family that just wants me to be happy and would literally do anything for me at this point to put a smile on my face even if it was just for a little while. I make good money and am able to pay my bills. I am getting a tattoo. I am seeing the Red Sox play the Yankees. I went to Boston and spent an epic day there over February vacation. Garrett and I are planning a trip to Disney this summer. I have an apartment that I enjoy. I am getting published for the very first time.

I need to stop crying. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Yes, this job is hard. And yeah it isn't going well right now. But the job should no longer be my entire life. Garrett and I want to start a family some day. I need to start to have a life outside of my work if that is ever going to happen and now is the perfect time to get my shit in order.

And so I am done crying. I am done bitching and moaning.

I am starting over. Monday-Friday I will work 6:30 am to 3 pm. Then I will write from 3-4. Then I am going to exercise, take a shower, and start dinner. After dinner I am going to read. Then I am going to snuggle with my husband on the couch and watch our favorite tv shows together. There will be no complaints. There will be no excuses.

I have never needed to have a life outside of my job more than I do now. I have never needed to take care of my physical and emotional well-being as much as I do now.

So I am going to start. Right now. Today. No more excuses.